Mongoose Wars
by Wish.I.Were.A.Mistress
Summary: A WONDERFUL slash full of fun and randomness and...and...A MONGOOSE! I won't tell you any of the pairings. More fun that way. Don't read if you take things seriously or are easily offended.
1. A Fic for the Birds

Heyo! This is our slash-fic. Poynter/Jones. Don't read if you don't like it. It's a bit...errm...strange. Don't take offence to anything/everything written. Reviews are wonderful!

* * *

**(Dougie's POV)**

It could never last. No matter how much _he_ liked it, I was sure he could overcome it. Like, this one time on Will and Grace, Jack said, "If you live with one, you're going to catch it!" But I think he meant the other way around…

But I'm sure of it! All his little acts of love. He kisses my cheek on stage when we play my song, he tackles me to the ground, and he makes fun of my box that says, "DOUGIE'S PORN DON'T TOUCH." If that isn't love, what is?

**(Bird's POV)**

So we live outside this house of this famous band. It gets pretty weird. The tiny one with a schizophrenic hairstyle always locks himself out of the house naked. Once, this massive bloke with caterpillars on his eyes came to visit, so we attacked to get the caterpillars, having been hungry, but he got all angry and we couldn't pull the damn things off his face! Stupid caterpillars attached to the face…

We have reason to believe they're garbage men, because we often see the little one running around with big black sacks. And lizards... We're concocting an evil plan to eat those lizards one day. Mmm… Reptiles…

**(Danny's POV)**

So we were doing an interview today. It was not particularly interesting, because all interviewers like to ask the same lame-ass questions. Lucky for us, this guy's super homophobic, which means of course we have to all act like we're completely gay. It's pact we made when we started the band. Today, I will be with...um…Dougie! Yes! Dougie! Excellent!

We got to the interview and sat down. I smiled the "you ready?" smile at Dougie, and he nodded, blushing a little. Dougie blushes a lot, so I'm used to it. I wonder if the other guys notice. Come to think of it, I don't think they've ever mentioned it. Come to think of it, I don't think they have seen him blush. Come to think of it, I don't think he's ever blushed anywhere around them. Come to think of it, I don't think he blushes in front of anyone but me.

Ok, I'm done with the thinking. It makes my head hurt. I really ought to stop thinking for the rest of forever. I mean, seriously. All it does is give me headaches.

Moving on, we got to the interview shook the guys hand and sat down on the couch. I sad right next to Dougie and rested my hand on the top of his upper thigh, rubbing it gently.

"You giving him a massage before the show?" the interviewer guy asked.

"No," I answered immediately. Then I realized how that made me sound like I was hiding something, so I added, "It's just that Doug and I have unfinished business."

Dougie stared at me for a second, but then caught on and made his Dougie face. "Yeah. You interrupted us in the middle of very important stuff."

The interviewer guy made a face and then pressed his lips together. He was obviously waiting for a cue from the people backstage. Then, he spoke almost robotically.

"So, Tom, you're new single, 'First Night' is out next Friday. Tell us about it."

"Well, actually," Tom sighed, saying this for the millionth time today. "Dougie and Danny wrote the song. I just wrote the middle bit and part of the chorus."

"What?"

"See, what happened was that Dan and I were taking a break," Dougie began. I waggled my eyebrows at him and rubbed his leg some more. "And he was like, 'Doug, let's write a song,' and I was like 'whatever you say mate.' So we wrote these two verses and they were absolute rubbish, so we decided to get naked and—"

"You decided to get naked?'

"Yeah," I filled in. "Of course we did."

"Why?"

"We write songs best naked," Dougie exclaimed.

"We'll finish this discussion after break, guys. People, for more of the scoop on McFly's naked songwriting, stay tuned."

**(Dougie's POV)**

He wants me. He SO wants me. Did you see how he was rubbing my leg? Everybody knows the rubbing a guy's leg is like guy code for "I want your dick." EVERYBODY knows that. Jeez.

**(Danny's POV)**

Ha! This is totally making the berk flip out. Everybody knows if you rub a girl's leg, it means I want you really bad. I think it works the other way around…

Best idea for a song! You accidentally fall into a fairy tale and fall in love with Cinderella, who you steal from the prince! Whoa, that was random.

Anyway, the interview is back on, and we're still freaking out the dude.

"So, this one time, Harry and I walked in on Danny and Dougie-" said Tom.

"What were they doing?" asked the guy.

"Running the hoover," said Harry, rolling his eyes. Ha! Good thing he's the best actor in McFly!

"If that's what you like to call it nowadays," said Dougie, who then put his hand on my thigh. Genius!

"Okay, um, I think we're out of time. Thanks very much, McFly," said the bloke, completely flustered.

**(Dougie's POV)**

Ah! That was brilliant. Danny's thigh is so warm… He will be my Danny and he will be named Danny and my Danny!

Next step of my brilliant plan, brain: I shall make him realize that girls suck! Too damn hormonal. It's not hard to convince someone of that.

**(Bird's POV)**

The little one is playing with lizards again. We believe him to be very odd…

The caterpillar man is back again! After a quick consult, we attacked him.

"Why do fucking birds always attack my face in the fucking neighborhood?" he yelled.

"No fucking profanity!" yelled the member of the band with the large hair.

**(Tom's POV)**

I really think we have a bird problem. They always attack Charlie when he's around. His eyebrows are humongous, though…

Anyway, self, I've noticed that Dougie has stopped pulling fans lately. Odd. He used to like it when girls flashed him, now he finds it a delay.

**(Harry's POV)**

Poor Dougs. I think a lizard died. Maybe he lost his porn.

**(Danny's POV)**

Dougie's been weird. Maybe his mind was taken over by a mongoose!

**(Bird's POV)**

We were discussing the possible forces at work that are keeping the caterpillars on that man's face. Whatever power it is, it MUST be stopped. Wait! The little one with the lizards is speaking to someone invisible. Maybe he knows something of the force at work behind the caterpillar man's face.

"…HAS to like blokes. I mean, sheesh, I'm gay, so he must be. Obviously. Plus, have you seen the way that he looks at me. And those kisses on the cheek. It must be love…"

**(Danny's POV)**

I was walking home from Charlie's house. He refuses to visit us until we deal with the birds. We'll wait a week, lie to him, and invite him over again. Anyway, I was walking home and I heard Dougie talking to himself, so I decided to listen.

"…must be love…" OOOOOH! Our little ickle Dougiekins has a crush. I wonder who it is! Maybe it's one of those girls we met the other day.

No. Can't be. They flashed him and he didn't even notice. Someone else then…hmm…I will have to ask him.

"DOUGIE!"

**(Dougie's POV)**

I was interrupted in my sick fantasies about Danny screaming my name by…well…Danny screaming my name. But not in the way I wanted him to be. And not as naked as I'd like him to be. But it's close. Oh…wait…BAD DOUGIE! Don't keep your love waiting.

"Yeah?"

"You were talking to yourself."

I blushed. What if he heard? What if he's not into that? I mean, we ALL know he's into blokes—honestly, it's not all blokes, it's just me that he's into, but whatever—but, you know…some of that stuff that I like…SHUT UP I AM NOT A PERV!!

"Oh…what did I say?"

Danny thought for a moment. "Something about love. So who's the lucky chick?"

Chick? Please, I am SO over chicks. They're just…not Danny. I mean, Danny's kinda girly looking for a dude, but still…DANNY BEATS ALL CHICKS!!

"Oh…just…someone…not telling…"

Danny looked all sad. Aww…I'm sorry. Can I kiss it and make it all better? And since there is no particular spot that I hurt, I'll just have to kiss all of you. Sounds like fun!

"Aw, Dougie, you're no fun!"

I smiled at him. He SO wants me. See what I mean? "Don't worry. They won't replace you in my heart." Since they are you!

Danny made the "I'm going to pretend to be fake hurt by what you said when actually I'm just sad because you haven't jumped me yet" face. "They were going to replace me?"

"There's no competition." I mean seriously, what kind of lame competition has only one competitor? God, Danny's stupid. Why do I love him again…

Oh yeah, he's sexy.

"Well, I'll tell you who I like if you tell me who you like."

But I don't need to know. Because it's me. But I will listen anyway, just to humor him. And he'll be all like, 'it's you', and we'll end up together just like in that creepy-stalker-ish story that my sister's friend's friend wrote. Don't ask me how I know what happens…

NO I DID NOT READ IT!

…

Well…maybe I read some of it.

…

Well, maybe I read a bit more than some.

…

Well, maybe I read most of it.

…

Well, ok…almost all, but not the ending…

…

Ok, so MAYBE the ending hasn't come out yet, and that MIGHT be why I haven't read it, but at least I'm not pathetic enough to have read all of it…yet…


	2. We need The Stuff

**(Bird's POV)**

We believe the big-haired one and the one who likes to bang things are on our side. We got a long week of planning, and then they came out, saw us, giggled, and called the caterpillar man. We win!

We notice the small one is quite confused. Not that this is unnatural, but it's almost like he wants something he can't have.

New plan! Us birds will find out what he wants and make sure he gets it, for which he'll be so thankful he won't mind when we steal his lizards!

**(Dougie's POV)**

Okay, NEVER GOING TO A BAR AGAIN. Danny wanted to get this girl, so, due to the guy code; I had to help him out.

"Oh my god, you're really in a famous band? That is so hot," said the girl, who was obviously totally smashed. Seriously, a sober girl would recognize Danny if he dyed his hair purple and wore a dress.

"Yeah, but it can be hard. No real friends. They all just want you for your quid, you know?" he said, a stroke of genius I would never have expected of him. "I cry sometimes, right Doug?" He looked at me meaningfully.

"Yeah, he's like a man pussy," I said, taking a drink.

"He's exaggerating," said Danny, looking down in a hot way that made the girl jump him and drag him home with her. No, bad thing to think about your hot friend! No matter how much you want to bum him! I'm a fucking perv…

Anyway, I was a bit upset when I met this flower chick and she gave me a free drink so I went outside and started watching me hand move… So many bones…

**(Harry's POV)**

Dougie's dumber than a brick. I was leaving with this fit, drunk girl, but then I saw him giggling, which was normal, but he was watching his hand move, and the last time I heard about someone doing that was this bloke who was at Woodstock.

Okay, so it was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I don't watch THAT often, but it just HAPPENED to be on, so me and Tom decided it might be cool to check it out since it's so popular around here…

So I left the girl by a parking meter and helped Dougie get home. I was gonna leave him there, since he had a few fans on him, but I thought they might violate him, so I was all "good friend."

**(Tom's POV)**

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid Dougie. Who accepts a drink from a flower person? I mean, when he walked in (supported by Harry, mind you), I thought he was fine, because he was giggling, but Harry told me he took the drink from the flower bird.

I think he likes someone but it's not working. God, he's bad at dealing with these things.

**(Dougie's POV)**

Worst night of my life. My love went off with some drunken whore, and I figured out the meaning of life, but forgot it. Maybe it was Blink-182. Never mind, I'm gonna go get my porn box.

**(Danny's POV)**

I had missed getting laid. That night was fun. I should help Dougie get girls more often! He seems upset!

The birds (actual ones) outside our house seem so intuitive. I think they're planning something odd. They always fly to the window to look at stuff and then fly away… Tom tells me I'm just an idiot, per usual, but I'm not sure.

Never mind! I want a ferret.

Okay, so the ferret wasn't very nice, but it was a good thought! Next time, a mongoose! Or maybe just a dog…

Nah, that's too regular.

**(Neutral POV)**

So, Danny got laid, Harry missed out, Tom acted like a mother, Dougie experienced pot, and a rapid ferret attacked all the boys' beds.

Yup, just a normal day.

**(Bird's POV)**

We have not yet discovered what the small one wants, but we have discovered that he does not like the female who follows the big haired one home sometimes. We don't either. They are very loud at night, and then throw things at us when we want to sing to wake the lizards every morning. So we will drop things and poo on her head whenever she is around. And perhaps we will enlist the squirrels to help us, and they will throw nuts.

The squirrels say that they will help us on the condition that we keep the dog that the female friend of the small one brings over away from them. So we will poo on the dog too.

**(Danny's POV)**

So I've taken to bringing this bird (meaning girl) 'round to our place, but the birds (meaning animals) who attack Charlie's face keep pooing and dropping stuff on her head. I don't understand it. And the squirrels keep dropping nuts on her head. What's with these people?

Anyway, Dougie's gotten all emo. And he REFUSES to go to bars and pick up chicks the way he used to. I can't anymore, because I have a chick, but still…I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!

**(Dougie's POV)**

So I think that NATURE ITSELF is against Danny's new girlfriend. Either that, or she's got a disturbed sense of style. She always walks in with bird shit on her head and nuts in her hair. Is she trying to make a statement? I don't get it.

In other news, my sister's dog has been attacked by the birds as well, which is fine by me, because I don't like her dog. He gets more action from Danny than I do. But not for long…I HAVE A PLAN!!

**(Danny's POV) ****(About a month after the birds began shitting on his girlfriend)**

I got dumped today. At first, I was very sad, but then I realized that our house would no longer smell like bird (as in the animal) crap, and I was ok. She wasn't that good in bed anyway, and she CERTAINLY wasn't a good girlfriend. Too…what's the word…boring? Stupid? Ugly? I dunno. Pick an adjective.

I was about to go out to pick up girls when Dougie ran up to me. Funny, he was just on the phone doing some sketchy-sounding dealing a minute ago.

See, what happened was that I passed his door, and overheard him talking, and he was negotiating prices and discussing times and places and dark alleys and "the goods". Maybe Doug's a mob boss. COOL! I'm in a band with a mob boss!


	3. How did that come back to me somehow?

**(Dougie's POV)**

Yes! I just got off the phone with Steve from Son of Dork. I'd forgotten he was a huge Green Day fan. So he was talking about how he wanted to give me the goods of their stuff, and I was going to say no, but I realized that Danny and I could get into Green Day together! Especially with their new album coming out, we could do… stuff while listening to it. Yeah, I know what I'm talking about.

**(Tom's POV)**

Damn people downloading our songs before they're actually out to the public! They're not ready yet! It's more annoying than Danny's determination to get a mongoose. Which I will NOT let him get. If the birds outside the house shit on our friends, the mongoose would make us want to kill it.

**(Harry's POV)**

Weird shit going on. Dougie's been trying to get Danny into Green Day, which is weird because he likes Blink-182…

Also, I walked in on him and he was writing songs about how much he hated girls. He hasn't been with any girls recently, so I don't see why he's all hateful again. Maybe it's because he's not getting enough. There are a lot of McFly fans around, so I went to get one for him.

**(Dougie's POV)**

Not good! Harry thinks I'm depressed because I haven't had enough girls, so he went out and got a hot one. Of course, I wouldn't know, because I don't like girls anymore.

It was hard getting rid of her, because she was really nice, and I didn't, like, want to hurt her feelings today, so we just exchanged email addresses. She was trying to get more action, but I played the sensitive guy act and told her not to tell anyone. Fans can be so easy to manipulate when you want to.

**(Danny's POV)**

I've decided to fuck what the record company says, and I want to take an impromptu trip to America. That way, I can meet American people besides our only friend George.

Dougie's all happy because he says then we can find out more about Green Day because they're an American band. I don't see why he's so interested in them recently.

OH MY GOD! DOUGIE'S GAY AND IN LOVE WITH STEVE AND WANTS TO HAVE HIS BABIES SO TO GET TO HIM HE'S USING THE MUSIC OF GREEN DAY!

Can men have babies? No, I don't think so. Is Dougie gay? No, I don't think so. Maybe he just wants to get into a band that's still going, unlike a band with no hope, like Blink-182.

**(Steve's POV)**

Dougie's way into Green Day now. Don't get me wrong, they rock out loud, but it's weird. Maybe he's gay and in love with James so he's trying to get to him through becoming friends with me!

I dunno know if he's gay, though. Why are the lives of rock stars always somehow intertwined?

**(Dougie's POV)**

So we were hanging out in America and you WOULD NOT believe what I found out. Remember that fan that Harry tried to set me up with? Well, actually, she's my sister's best friend's cousin's ex-boyfriend's aunt's old college roommate's daughter's best friend's sister's ex-girlfriend, and she's into chicks, not dudes. Weird right? She was trying to sleep with me to impress her sister's best friend's cousin, who she fancies, but it didn't work because I didn't sleep with her. I kinda feel bad now, but it's ok, because she's cool.

So…yeah…I was talking to her and all of the sudden, she screamed "OH MY GOD! Tré Cool AND ALEX WESTAWAY ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER!"

Needless to say, I was very confused. Last I checked, they were both straight. "Not last I heard, why?"

"Well, I got a text from my ex, who said…" she began to rattle on for a while until I cut her off.

"Give me her number."

I called her ex, who actually had apparently said that Bono, who recorded "The Saints are Coming" with Tré Cool, was gay for Alex Westaway, who is in Fightstar. I met Alex. He's not gay, last I heard. So I asked her where she heard this and she said she heard it from her sister.

So I got her sister on the phone, and it turns out that her sister had said that she had said that Dan Heigh, who was cuter than Alex, and also in Fightstar, was gay for Bono. I asked her where she heard this, and she said that her mother had heard it.

So I got her mother on the phone, and her mother had said that Dan was gay for Adam Clayton, who did not sing because Bono did that. I asked her where she heard this, and she said her old college roommate told her.

So I emailed the old college roommate after nicking the email off the mother, and she said that she actually said that Adam was gay for Charlie Simpson, who was in the band with Dan. I KNOW Charlie's not gay. He's ugly, but not gay (thankfully). So I asked where she heard this, and she said her nephew heard it somewhere.

So I emailed her nephew, and he said that he actually said that Mike Dirnt, who had learned how to play bass at the same time that Adam did, was gay for Charlie. I asked him where he heard this and he said that his ex told him.

So I sent her a message on Myspace, and she said that she actually said that Mike was gay for Matt, who was in a band with Charlie. I always wondered about Matt, actually, so I didn't protest too much until I remembered that I was at his wedding, and that the bride was female, and that he loved her very much. Then I asked where she had heard this. She said her cousin told her.

So I called her cousin, and apparently, she had actually said that Billie Joe was actually gay for Steve. I was very very confused, so I asked where she had heard this, and she said a friend told her.

So I phoned the friend and she said that she had actually said that Danny was gay for Steve. NO FAIR! HE WAS MINE FIRST! I'm not totally sure how they got from Billie Joe Armstrong, but still…NO FAIR! DANNY WAS MINE FIRST! I asked where she heard this and she gave me the number of her friend, and I was about to call it when I realized that I recognized the number. Then I called it and when she answered, I began to yell.

"JAZZIE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT MY FRIENDS!"

"What?" she asked, sounding upset.

"You're my little sister. I don't need YOU of all people spreading rumours about us."

"Dougie, I haven't spread any rumours."

I told her the whole story, and she started laughing. When she finished, she told me, "Dougie, all I said was that Danny said that YOU were gay for Steve, and how I thought it was stupid."

Oh…


	4. Rock and Roll and A MONGOOSE!

**(Danny's POV)**

So, weirdness. We actually have some stalker fans in America. We went there to get away from all the insanity of being followed, but we can't avoid it!

We've decided to go to New York to escape because, as Tom said it, they have too much other good music to focus on some random band from England. Maybe that was a bit harsh, but I take it as a compliment! I wonder if they like Busted around there.

**(Dougie's POV)**

So we're going to New York. I may not know a lot, but I heard from our American friend George that there's this one part of the City where gay dudes hang out. I have my suspicions about George sometimes. Wait, what does suspicions mean?

Never mind. I think a fan just tried to take my virginity or something. Seriously, she, like, ran up to me and started grabbing around like mad. She might have been a mugger. So many weird things have happened since I've realized that I'm gay. I think the Catholics would use that as an argument for the fact that gayness is also a sin. I don't agree with that, because life has just become more interesting!

So we got to New York, and it's totally mad, crazy, awesome! I found out that there are five different boroughs, and Manhattan is the one that most people know about. We also saw the dude who stands around with a guitar and a cowboy hat in his knickers. I hear he's called the naked cowboy. It's so cool that people don't even care. They're all, "Oh, yeah, naked cowboy. Funny shit."

**(Tom's POV)**

Is New York full of loonies? There's a naked cowboy standing around in Manhattan. As soon as Dougie saw the guy without clothes, he remembered that he wanted to go to Quiksilver and Billabong. Why must he have so many skater-surfer clothes?

**(Bird's POV)**

We have decided not to eat the small member's lizards. Since they are gone, we have formed a friendship-alliance. They informed us that the small one is actually a homosexual. Interesting choice of lifestyle.

To make his happy, and hope that might be able to get fed more interesting things (not the lizards, mind you), we will drive off any and all people of the female origin who come to call.

**(Harry's POV)**

New revelation: American girls are really easy to seduce. All you have to say is "I'm from England, I come from a wealthy family," and they're on you faster than marmite on bread.

I'm not trying to say that they're slutty or anything, but man, they're pretty easy. It's like they don't have any self-respect. A bit desperate-acting, is what I mean. Seriously, I went to a bar and it was easier to take a girl home than when Lindsay Lohan jumped into the sack.

I feel like I would get in trouble if I said that on an interview… Screw it! Other English men should know that a quick trip to America would get them laid!

**(Dougie's POV)**

I thought, if the cowboy could do it, so could I. I ran around Times Square in my pants!

It seemed like a really good idea, but then I kind of got arrested…

**(Tom's POV)**

I was sitting around, minding my own business, listening to some random band I'd never heard of and didn't really like when my phone starting ringing. It was a weird American number, so I didn't really want to answer, but then I did, and this is what I heard.

"TOM! TOM THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED! THEY ARRESTED ME!"

That had to be Dougie. There was no mistake in my mind. He sounded a bit off, but only Dougie could possibly get arrested so quickly.

"How in hell did you get arrested?"

"Well…I thought it would be a good idea to race around in my boxers, and they didn't think it was a good idea, so they arrested me."

"You're joking, right?"

"Nope! I'm in…" he gave me some random address I didn't really know how to find, but I wrote it down and figured I'd find James and ask him. Then, I told Dougie to stay still while I called Fletch and James and see what to do.

**(Fletch's POV)**

I was sitting around, minding my own business, listening to some random band I'd never heard of and didn't really like when my phone started ringing. It was one of the guys, so I didn't really want to answer, but then I did, and this is what I heard.

"FLETCH! FLETCH! THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED! THEY ARRESTED HIM!"

That had to be Tom. There was no mistake in my mind. He sounded a bit off, but only Tom had the good sense to call me at a time like this. And it had to be Dougie who got arrested. He hadn't said it explicitly, but only Dougie could possibly get arrested so quickly.

"How in hell did he get arrested?"

"Well…he thought it would be a good idea to race around in his boxers, and they didn't think it was a good idea, so they arrested him."

"You're joking, right?"

"Nope! He's in…" he gave me some random address I didn't really need since I was in London, but I wrote it down and figured I'd ring James and ask him. Then, I told Tom I'd wait while he called James and see what to do.

**(Tom's POV)**

I should go call James now. I got up and went to the window, so as to get better cell phone reception when suddenly…

OH MY GOD A MONGOOSE! I'D BETTER GO RESCUE IT!

"DANNY! DOUGIE GOT ARRESTED! RING JAMES!"

Danny, who magically knew everything about Dougie's incarceration, said he would.

**(James's POV)**

I was sitting around, minding my own business, listening to some random band I'd never heard of and didn't really like when my phone started ringing. It was someone I knew from England, so I didn't really want to answer, but then I did, and this is what I heard.

"JAMES! JAMES! THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED! THEY ARRESTED HIM!"

That had to be Danny. There was no mistake in my mind. He sounded a bit off, but only Danny had that thick of an accent. And it had to be Dougie who got arrested. He hadn't said it explicitly, but only Dougie could possibly get arrested so quickly.

"How in hell did he get arrested?"

"Well…he thought it would be a good idea to race around in his boxers, and they didn't think it was a good idea, so they arrested him."

"You're joking, right?"

"Nope! He's in…" he gave me some random address I actually recognized, and I told him that I'd meet them at their hotel and if they brought bail money, I'd help them get out.

**(Billie Joe Armstrong's POV)**

I was sitting around, minding my own business, listening to some random band I'd never heard of and didn't really like when my mongoose ran out of the hotel room, and down the stairs. I didn't really want to get off the couch, but it was my mongoose, so told my beautiful wife Julia that I would be out, and ran after Quirtsquip.

Suddenly, there was a strange blonde haired man, with an equally strange brunette and an equally strange guy with black hair in the back and blonde emo bangs petting my Quirtsquip. AHH! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!


	5. Mongoose Molesters in NYC

(Tom's POV)

"DON'T SEXUALLY HARRASS MY MONGOOSE!" yelled the owner, probably.

But when we looked up, we saw it was Billie Joe Armstrong! Yes, the one from Green Day!!

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" asked James, dumbstruck.

"I fucking live here, you stupid Brits!" he yelled back, picking up his mongoose. "Are you okay, Quirtsquip?"

"Sorry, mate, we was just petting him," said Danny sheepishly.

"Billie, can you help us with something?" I asked, a sudden stroke of genius.

"Only because you returned my mongoose safely," he said.

"Can you help us find this address? It would mean a lot to the guy in the jail if you showed up," I reasoned.

"Yeah, but I don't know New York very well. I have someone else who's better at it than me," he replied.

"Your boyfriend?" asked James. Oh, gay jokes, very nice to our helper, YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS. Luckily, Billie Joe didn't hear him.

(Danny's POV)

Billie Joe whips out his American-type mobile, and, at the speed of light, calls his helpful friend!

Turned out to be a she! Maybe I can get Dougie laid. Or myself laid, because she's kind of fit.

"Billie, you owe me after this, because I was reading my Spider Man comics," she said.

(James' POV)

Oh, shit, I have to call my girlfriend. "STOP THE PRESSES!" It worked because no one was moving to begin with! "Can I bring me girlfriend? I was supposed to take her on a date, and this seems to fulfill the requirements."

So, I called her up, and she was here in a bout three minutes because she lives down the street. "Where are we going?" asked my totally hot girlfriend, Cassie.

"A prison!"

"Intense. Can I take a stick to poke the criminals?"

"Whatever you want. It's your date, love." Luckily, she had the stick that we were using last night during, well, yeah…

(Danny's POV)

Ha, James' girlfriend is kind of fit too. Wait, why does she have a stick? Oh, I get it… And people say I'm slow… Oh, how little they know!

(Dougie's POV)

What the hell is taking them so long?? I'm getting some weird compliments, and I don't think they're meant that way. I mean, I do "roll that way," as the American-type chums say, but they're all big and scary.

Oh, how I wish I had my laptop with me. Then I could read the amazing fan fictions about my love, Danny and me! I read this great one where I inspired him to write "Walk in the Sun," and then we did in on his floor! But then I've read others where I fall in love with Harry. Another one where I'm pregnant with Tom's baby…

Maybe it would be better if I was straight again. Is it were? I have no idea. What is with all these different verb forms? Apparently Chinese is pretty easy with the tenses and shit like that. Wasn't I talking to myself about sexuality? How did I find out all this weird crap about grammar? Isn't asking yourself questions a bit mad? Where did I get this wicked bruise? How many questions have I asked? Are we ever going to get a mongoose like Danny wanted?

I think I'm done with asking questions at the moment. Maybe I should worry about the problem at hand, like the fact that I'm in JAIL AND MY MATES STILL HAVEN'T COME TO BAIL ME OUT YET BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID IDIOTS AND I HATE THEM.

(Harry's POV)

Okay, so we should probably get to the prison now. Billie Joe's insane wife is running us around to get to the prison. Well, not for real, but I just don't like walking. I'm a totally wicked drummer!

When we got there, as soon as Dougie heard us, he yelled "WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU THICK IDIOTS SO LONG?"

"I'll be back later, baby," said James' girlfriend, running off with her stick.

"We don't have that much time!" yelled Billie's wife.

(Danny's POV)

Dougie walked out looking all defeated, but he perked up right away when he saw Billie Joe.

"Am I dreaming, or is that Billie Joe Armstrong?" he asked, his mouth hanging open.

"Dude, what did you get arrested for?" asked Billie, shaking Dougie's hand.

"I streaked Times Square," he said sheepishly.

"Righteous. I'm too self conscious to do something that cool," said Billie. "By the way, did you guys see where Julia went?"

"She followed Cassie with the stick," I put in helpfully. I've been good at this being nice thing lately.

"So, mate, where'd you get that mongoose?" I asked.

(Billie's POV)

"At a mongoose store. Duh!" I told the stupid British one.

The strange British one with the girlfriend went off to find Julia and his strange girlfriend. Then the creepy, mongoose-molesting British one yelled at the rad, streaking British one for being stupid.

"…and only stupid people streak anyway."

"HEY!" I snapped. "That's not true. My friend Mark would run around backstage naked before concerts!"

"Mark Hoppus?" asked the stupid British one. "Like from blink-182?"

"Yeah…him…why are all you British people here anyway."

The strange British one returned and said, "I live here."

"We're just visiting. No reason," said the creepy mongoose-molesting one.

Ok. Sense. WAIT!! I RECOGNIZE THESE STRANGE BRITISH ONES!

"Aren't you guys in a band?"

(Tom's POV)

HOLY SHIT! Billie Joe Armstrong recognizes us! That's brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.

"Yeah. We are. Back at home though. We haven't done much here."

"No, I recognized you though. I think you were on TV for some…something when we went on vacation in England."

"Yeah," Danny nodded. "We do a lot of TV."

"That's cool. We're doing a show tonight if you want to come."

"Could we really?" Dougie asked, wide-eyed. "That would be fucking awesome."

"Yeah. Sure…why not!"

DID I JUST GET CONCERT TICKETS TO A GREEN DAY CONCERT FROM BILLIE JOE HIMSELF!! I THINK I DID!

"Thanks. That's wicked, mate," Harry, who I totally forgot was with us, added. When did he get here? "By the way, I got a present for Dougie!"

"OOHH!! PRESENT! WHAT IS IT??" Dougie asked, jumping up and down like a six-year-old.

Harry handed him a little box, and Dougie opened it and hugged Harry. "Thought you'd like it."

"What is it?" Danny asked.

"He got me wheels. Mine fell off my skateboard."

Oh…Dougie is special.

So we continued to hang out in the jail-place with Billie Joe until he got a phone call. He talked, and got all sadfull and nervous. And then he looked at us and smiled mischievously. And then he hung up and grinned. Uh-ohs.

"Can I ask you guys a favor?"

"Shoot," Danny asked. Typical Danny. He'd do drugs for someone, if they asked. I bet he'd jump off a building, if you asked nicely enough.

"Our support act canceled and I—or we—was wondering if…"


	6. Need Guinness and a Support Act

(Billie's POV)

"…you guys cold find us another support act?" It was the perfect plan! They owed me one, and now I don't have to go looking.

"Billie, isn't there an easier plan than that?" asked my wife.

"Honey, don't worry, I'm handling this."

"Hey, let me do it! These boys are tired," said the one with schizophrenic hair.

"Okay, if you want." I wasn't sure of his ability. It was a big job, and was tiny. "Eenie, meenie, minie, McFLY!" he yelled.

"Who are McFly?" I asked.

"The guys you just saved from prison," coaxed Julia.

"They're a band?"

"You just said that you'd seen them on TV in England when we were there once."

"Oh… I thought they'd broken up."

"No, that was Busted."

"What?? I loved them!"

"McFly are just as good. Probably even better. More three dimensional songs."

(Danny's POV)

Yes! I love Billie's companion! I will seduce her instead of James' girlfriend, who I will let Dougie seduce! I would ask Harry or Tom to do Cassie **(that's what she said)**, but they have this thing against seducing people for a laugh. Probably because they don't do it right!

Seduction is an intricate art that requires much observance and patience, as well as a certain quality of character that has substance.

WHOA, where the hell did that come from?? I need a Guiness.

Better now! I learned an awesome new word from Billie's friend. It's dudemanlikewhoa. It must be some type of American slang, because that's not something good to slag someone off with.

Yay! We're starting the concert! And doing the break!

(Collective boys in the audience POV)

What? Who the hell are McFly? We came here to see Green Day! And we didn't come because Mike and Tré are strangely beautiful and Billie is just beautiful! We like the band! Although, Billie is an attractive man if you take an objective point of view. But we're still macho!

(Collective girls in the audience POV)

What? Who the hell are McFly? Dunno, but they're pretty hot. What is this feeling? An unquenchable desire to sing along with their poppy tunes and rock out to the better stuff? YES!

Woot woot! Super-pumped for Green Day! I would do any of them in a second, and even guys have to admit they're beautiful!

(Dougie's POV)

Guess who showed up after the concert? Orlando Bloom! I used to think he was cute, but then Cassie told me that he sold the greater part of his penis for girly good looks.

Next thing I knew, he was confessing his love and trying to take me to Mexico. HELP!! I NEED AN ADULT! I DO NOT WANT TO BE RAPED BY THE GIRLY WEIRDO!!

(Danny's POV)

So Dougie got hit on by a strange man again. This happens upsettingly often, and I'm starting to think that maybe we should just set up some sort of scam in which Dougie pretends to be gay so that the gay men perv on someone else. I read (and yes, I read) somewhere that gay men like the straight ones because it's more of a challenge. So I will find someone who is dumb enough to pretend to date Dougie. Who to ask…hmm…HEY!! LOOK! It's Mark Hoppus. I will go talk to him. He would pretend to be gay for Dougie, right? Right?

I was about to get up when I realized that the strange man was trying to touch Dougie in his naughty places.

"Excuse me, sir, could you not molest our bassist?" I asked him, pulling Dougie away from him.

"What? Who are you to tell me who I can and cannot molest?"

"Umm…a sane person? Who are you?"

"Do you know who I am?" he snapped back. Obviously, I don't, or I wouldn't ask.

"No. Who are you?"

"I'm Orlando Bloom."

"Could you NOT molest Dougie, Mr. I-sold-my-penis-for-girly-looks…I mean, Mr. Bloom?"

"How did you know about that? It was supposed to be a secret! I told them not to tell! DAMN THOSE BIRDS!!" he started yelling about birds who spill peoples secrets. And I think he actually meant the animal, not the girl-person.

(Dougie's POV)

YAY! Danny rescued me! And he touched me in my happy place. He pretended it was an accident, but I know it's because he wants me. See? I was right! If you live with one long enough, you DO catch it!

Anyway, we were walking in the general direction of that way when suddenly, I was pulled into a hallway. OH NO! DANNY! SAVE ME!! HEEEEEEEEELP!!

(Tom Cruise's POV)

So after I put the note inside the stupid, curly-haired, attractive guitarist's shoe, I kidnapped the equally stupid, straight-haired, more attractive bassist. And I hid him in a dressing room and locked the door and laughed my evil laugh, which took weeks to master by the way.

"EEEEEEEEXCELLENT! Now no one can stop me from having my wicked way with you and all the other men I want. Except for the stupid guitarist with the note, but he's too stupid to think of that."

Dougie turned around to see Tom DeLonge and gasped. OOH! I think we have a couple. I forgot I found him. It's funny; I gave a note to his bassist, Mark, but he did not do anything. I wonder why…

(Mark's POV)

So I was contemplating whether the years of friendship with Tom that were erased when he became an asshole trumped his asshole-ness enough that I should go and save him when the guitarist in that band that supported Green Day showed up. I admit, I was a little disappointed, because I just wanted to hear Billie play. We were mad tight when I was in blink, so I go and support them when I can. But this other band was ok, and I thought their accents were so fucking rad.

Anyway, he ran up to me and said, "Mark. Dougie loves your music. Would you do a publicity stunt involving pretending to be gay so that the creepy, gay stalkers leave him alone."

Now, normally, when strange musicians walk up to you and ask you this sort of thing, you're supposed to make a snooty face and call security. But I kinda liked this idea. It was stupid, irrational, really immature, and probably going to get me into trouble with Skye. Sounds like fun!

"Ok. Where is he?"

"He's right…" he turned around. "OH NO! I LOST MY DOUGIE!! AAAAAHHH!"

While I watched him freak out, I noticed a note in his shoe. After about ten minutes, I pointed it out to him and he gave it to me and told me he didn't want to know. Oh…it's from the guy who stole Tom. I guess he has Dougie too. Do I care enough to go and save them? Let's see…


	7. Who's getting stalked NOW?

(Dougie's POV)

I'm terrified! I also hate Angels and Airwaves. What the hell is with the AVA thing? Why can't stupid fucking Tom abbreviate his stupid fucking band like a normally person?

Tom Cruise is pouring wine and tying me to a chair. Where's Danny?

"Care for a drink, my sweet?" asked Tom Cruise.

"Oi! I'm not your fucking sweet and I don't fucking want any shitty wine," I said. "And what about the fact that you're married to Katie Holmes?"

"For publicity." Mental note: tell Harry that Katie is technically single so he can seduce her.

"Do you need mood music, dude?" asked Tom DeLonge.

"Great idea, dude," said Tom Cruise, totally missing the mark on the dude thing. Seriously, I'm English, and I knew he fucked that up. Whoa, I'm really f-word happy today.

NO!! THEY TURNED ON ANGELS AND AIRWAVES! THIS IS A HORRIBLE FORM OF TORTURE!

(Mark's POV)

Running around with this Danny dude is kind of annoying. We can't find the poor little bassist! I mean – we can't find my boyfriend who is not really my boyfriend.

"Mate, let's got down this hallway!" yelled the British one.

"Dude, how are we going to find anything?"

"Just do it! I need my bassist!"

The hallway way kind of dark, so while I was rushing around, I ran into a chair and heard an "ow" and an "oh, shit, they've found me!"

Luckily, I had a flashlight down my pants (for no particular reason; it was just there), so I flashed it and saw Tom Cruise trying to undo Dougie's pants and my old bandmate Tom triumphantly playing Angels and Airwaves. And I thought torture wasn't legal anymore…

So I decided to pull an awesome move, and kicked both Toms in the face. Cruise ran off to fix his "beautiful face," as he called it, and DeLonge got scared and soiled himself, and ran off.

"Doug, this is your pretend new boyfriend, Mark Hoppus," said Danny, grinning at Dougie.

"Mate, this rocks! But, mate," he said, looking at me now, "won't you get in trouble with your girlfriend?"

"Ptch," I replied. "She puts up with all my other shit. This is pretty tame compared to what I did last month."

"Okay, let's got find Orlando Bloom," said Danny, clapping his hands together.

(Danny's POV)

Mr. sold-his-penis-for-girly-looks was sitting around a coffee table by himself, crying his eyes out over his lost love.

"My Dougie!" he yelled, trying to run up and molest him.

"Sorry, girl man, this is my boyfriend," said Mark, slipping his hand down Dougie's back pocket.

"Yeah, well, let's see a kiss," said Orlando. Whoa, that is a WEIRD name to say all the time. I mean, wouldn't he get real annoyed with how pretentious it is? (Note to self: find out what pretentious means)

Mark smiled and so did Dougie, so they did it, and, I must say, they looked quite a bit like a couple.

But now I think it would've been more sensible if I had been Dougie's boyfriend. Then we wouldn't have had to go through this whole ordeal of getting Mark and everything. Then I would've gotten to snog him. Wait, what? Never mind.

(Mark's POV)

Man, it is fun to get into fake gayness! This is better than teaching the kids curse words. I am so gonna tell Skye to pretend to be someone's girlfriend. It's kind of a rush to lie like this.

"I can't believe you'd betray me like this, Douglas!" screamed Orlando in a womanly way.

"We were never together," said Dougie, disbelieving Orlando's stupidity.

"We were meant to be in fate!"

"Tell you what. Get yourself a real dick, then we'll talk."

"But I sold it to a transsexual for good looks!"

"Well, deal with it."

Finally, the era of fear and Dougie getting molested by creepy celebrities is over! But probably not, because he is cute, for a guy.

(Justin Timberlake's POV)

So I was lying to the press about my sexuality again (dude, I'm totally gay, I just don't want anyone to know) when I saw this totally hot, blue eyed boy walk past us with a bass on his back. Mm…I soooo dig bassists. My dream man is Mark Hoppus. My heart totally belongs to him.

Anyway, I was watching the cute bassist boy, whom I recognized from the Green Day show (I used whom? How weird is that?) for some reason, when I saw who was walking next to him.

OH EM GEE!! IT'S MARK HOPPUS! I THINK I'M IN LOVE!! Wait…I already said that. Whatever. Life moves!

"MAAAAARK!" I squealed, running past the press people toward him. "Mark my beloved."

"Dude, I'm taken," he said. Of course, he was lying, but that's ok. He's just playing hard to get.

"By who? That's Skye chick? I can do so much more for you, babe."

"Um…oooo-kaaaaaaay. No. This is my boyfriend." He turned to the cute bassist boy. "What's your name again?"

"Dougie."

"This is my boyfriend, Dougie," he introduced. "Dougie, this is my stalker, Justin Timberlake."

"Dougie," I asked, began, "I understand that you're really hot and all, but why are you TOUCHING my Marky-poo?"

"Uh…I don't think your Marky-poo appreciates his new pet name. And you're ugly. So go 'way." He kissed Mark and they stormed off in a huff

WAIT!! DID HE JUST CALL ME UGLY! THIS IS A CATASTROPHY! WHERE IS MY HAIRSTYLIST? WHERE IS THE GIRL WHO PICKS MY CLOTHES! HEEEELP!

(Danny's POV)

So the press sneaked up behind Mark and Dougie when they weren't looking, and when they kissed, they all snapped photos. Luckily, we didn't find out until the next day, when Mark's wife called the hotel we were all staying at. Weird how we all ended up in the same hotel.. She was on speaker so we could hear too.

"Skye? What's up hon?"

"Not much, I just wanted to tell you, you're in the papers again."

"Oh? What for?"

"Having a boyfriend." I waited for her to get mad, but instead, all she said was, "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Dougie. From that movie with the whore in it. He was the bassist in that band that I had actually met years ago, but then saw again in the movie and thought was fictional."

"Are they fictional?"

"No. Pretty rad, right?"

"Yeah. Listen, I'd like it if you stayed a one-person man, if that's ok. I don't want Jack's babysitter to ask me about you tonight when she comes over."

"All right. All right," He whined. "I'll be good. Just let me find another fake boyfriend for him."

"Love you sweetheart."

"Love you too. Bye."

He hung up and looked around. Then he pointed at me. "I VOLUNTEER YOU TO BE DOUGIE'S FAKE BOYFRIEND!" He exclaimed. "Have fun with it!"

What? I'm confused.

"DOUGIE!" Mark called. Uh-oh, this can't be good. "Dougie, you have a new boyfriend."

"What? Who?"

"Him," Mark said, pointing at me.

(Dougie's POV)

SEE! I knew he wanted me. I sooooooo new he wanted me. And now we're dating. HA! Victory for me!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the window. I opened it to find a note. The note said (in this handwriting and spelling):

Dugee. I no wear u r and I no wear u sleep. Meat me in the parc and the pritee boy dusnt get hert. 3 Tom

And I was confused, because Tom's handwriting is much, much prettier than that. He seriously writes like a girl. And his spelling is better than that too. So who was it? Of course, it couldn't be the Tom who kidnapped me? That would be silly. And also, who was the pretty boy? I saw Tom this morning, and I just saw Mark a second ago, and Danny…disappeared randomly. But it couldn't be Danny, so I'd better figure out who this pretty boy is. Or pritee. Whatever. So the extremely intelligent idea would be to go to the park and find out. Or the parc. Whatever.


	8. Where did my big willy go?

Heyyyys. So...umm...I don't really have a reason for posting this author's/poster's note, but I thought that I should just check in and say "hi." Also, I want to thank all the wonderfully fantastically perfect people who are so AMAZING that they can take time out of their own lives to review this story. You guys kick ass and I hope you enjoy these next...umm...few chapters. We're getting close to the end actually. But don't cry. We'll write another one...

* * *

(Danny's POV)

"Stop breathing my air! I'm famous," said Tom Cruise.

"So am I, but I'm also hot and loved by millions of girls," I said, rolling my eyes. Good! I'm making my fear!

"I used to be!"

"You were always gay. And a pratt-faced weasel."

"Danny, are you here?" yelled Dougie.

"My love!" yelled Tom.

"Mate, you shouldn't have yelled. Now he's found you," said James. I saw them two plus James' girlfriend come in, all armed with things like pots and sticks.

"Cruise, stop bothering me. I'm hopelessly in love with Danny, and I never want to see you again. I'm going to tell people about this. Katie will dump you and go for my band mate Harry," said Dougie seriously.

"Although it would be a relief to finally be out, my public image can't take that much more beating. Cruise, away!" He pretended like he was flying, and then crashed into several trees. To add insult to injury, Cassie threw hard candy at his head.

(Harry's POV)

Sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon is boring. With all of these gay celebrities after Dougie lately, we've been pretty occupied, but not they're all under restraining orders and we have nothing to do.

"Mates, there's a wedding at our neighbor's house, and we weren't invited! We have to crash," said Tom.

"They call us to shut the hell up on a weekly basis, and the day before they got engaged, Danny tried to get the bride to sleep with him," I said.

Danny grinned cheekily. "She totally would've gone for it if the guy hadn't seen us."

"As a married man, I take offense to that," said Billie Joe. (He was here because Danny had bought a girl mongoose and she and Quirtsquip had fallen in love.)

"You know, it would be funny to burn the bride," said Dougie.

"We're gonna need dates," said Danny.

"I'm covered," said James, putting his arm around his lovely girlfriend. (I've forgotten why he hangs around with us.)

"Let's go!" yelled Dougie.

(Crazy Asian Lady's POV)

So I'm catering this wedding. Then, these weirdo musicians crash, and apparently they live next door. There are two of them that are totally hot for each other, so, they will switch bodies! Therefore, the fortune cookie trick made famous by Freaky Friday!

"Cookie?" I said, walking up to the two of them.

"Best wedding ever!" exclaimed the taller one, taking one. "You have one as well, Dougie."

"You must open it for the fortune," I said sweetly. Yay! Big earthquake! Tomorrow they will wake up as each other. I just hope they read both sides of the fortune, or else they'll totally not get it and stay as each other. Which would be funny, but they have to do it in their own bodies.

(Dougie's POV)

I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I had a bitch of a hangover too. Why did I drink so much? Where was I? I feel like there were weddings and Asian foods involved, but I can't really remember. Oh well, time for a shower and some Dougie time with my porn!

I rolled off the bed that, suspiciously, wasn't mine, onto a floor that also wasn't mine. I glanced up and realized that I was in a room that wasn't mine, and when I got up and looked down I saw…

WHOA! THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT MINE! I don't even know whose that is! Whoever it is, that person is really, really lucky…

So this is what it feels like to have a large willy…huh…how interesting. I think I should see what happens when…

OK! EVERYBODY OUT! NO CAMERAS ALLOWED! I will fetch the porn later. I think I can manage on my own for now.

(Danny's POV)

I woke up and looked around. Now, I know I was drunk last night, and I know I have a huge hangover, but that didn't stop me from being confused as to why I'd wake up in my room when I distinctly remember going to bed in mine. How did I know it was Dougie's room, you ask? Well, only HE could possibly have this many blink posters. I got up and noticed that the floor was closer to me today than it was yesterday. That's funny, I didn't know I could shrink. Whatever.

I stumbled toward the closet, wondering if Dougie had any of my clothes. I found an old shirt of mine I must've lent him and stared at it. Why did it look like it wasn't my size? Wait…

I looked (down) at myself to assess the situation. This is what I found:

-no freckles

-I was shorter and thinner than normal

-little hands

-a tattoo on my ankle that wasn't mine

-a ginormous tattoo on my chest that wasn't mine

-"Athlete's" tattoo-ed onto my foot, not "good ef"

-far more hair than I had before

-a small willy

Using this information, I came to the only logical conclusion. I had switched bodies with Dougie. This cannot go well.

I sighed and got dressed in his clothes, which felt really weird, by the way, and went to my room and opened the door without knocking (hey, give me a break, there's nothing in there that isn't all ready mine, and even if I'm naked, I've seen it before,) and saw a sighted that sort of disturbed me a little bit. Not that it was something I hadn't done, obviously, but still, watching yourself do things (not on film, in reality) is very very weird.


	9. Even When It Isn't Yours

(Dougie's POV)

"Stop touching me!" yelled a voice. Damn, how am I gonna explain this? Oh, shit, it's me!

"Danny?" I inquired.

"Yes. And god, Dougie, do you have to wank when it's not even yours?"

"Is it not mine?" He'd believe me. He's stupid.

"I'm going to feel very violated if we ever switch back."

"Wouldn't you want to check out your new situation?"

"I did, but I wasn't molesting myself!"

"You just won't admit how fun it is!"

"You just can't get someone to do it for you!"

"Okay, we've both said some hurtful things, but I suggest we calm down." Rationality! Score one for the boys back home! Who are the boys back home? Where did that expression come from? No! Must think about the problem at hand! And stop thinking about Danny's sexy body!

"Mate, why are you in my body?" asked Danny. I mean, well, me. Ugh! I will refer to the mind in the body.

"I think it was that fortune cookie thing. That happens, right?"

"It was in a film."

"Okay, we'll just have to deal with this. There's a charity concert tonight."

"Dude, what about muscle memory? Your body can just play what you know, right?"

"I think there has to be a little bit of a connection in the brain…"

"Hey! I'm older than you. I would know this."

"Well, not right now…"

Hmm, it's interesting to see myself through Danny's body. Why doesn't he like me? I think I'm good looking enough.

(Tom's POV)

"Danny, fucking hell, that's not the guitar part of One For the Radio! It's the bass line!" I yelled for the third time.

"It's just a charity concert. The kids won't know the difference," reasoned Danny. Wait, is Danny trying to use common sense?

"You don't have to put it all on him. Dougie forgot how to keep in count with the drums. And he's playing chords on his bass," voiced Harry.

"We have something to tell you," said Dougie.

"At the wedding, this crazy Asian lady gave us fortune cookies and then we woke up and had switched bodies," said Dougie all in one breath.

"So, technically, you're," I pointed to Dougie "Danny's mind, and you're," I pointed to Danny, "Dougie's mind."

"Okay, we'll refer to the mind in the body in private, but at the concert, we'll refer to the body," said Harry.

"That was a lot faster than we figured it out," giggled Dougie (in Danny's body). Oh, this is confusing.

"Maybe we should ask Fletch what to do…?" said Danny (in Dougie's body). Okay, I'm clear on this.

"Are you kidding? He'd think we were mad," said Harry.

"Well, we are, aren't we?" I asked. They looked at me. I decided to redeem myself. "Fine, then Danny's body will play the bass, because it's Dougie's mind, and Dougie's body will play the guitar, because it's Danny's mind."

"What about the singing?" questioned Danny.

"You, as Dougie, are gonna have to do your parts, and Dougie will do his parts. We don't have enough time to change it up," pronounced Harry.

(Harry's POV)

This is literally going to be the most nerve-wracking concert ever. Tom and I came up with a good idea and all that shit, but it's like the ghost hunting thing. I sound like fun at first, and then you're alone in a tent in the woods with a camera and a foul mouth, and before you know it, all your fans are wondering what the hell is going on with the band.

Okay, so that analogy was weird. But I'm still mad about that!

So we're pretending that it's just a fun, spur of the moment thing. Fletch is gonna murder us, I know, but he has a sense of humor! He should find it funny, right? He'd better, because that what we're banking on.

"Bet you ten quid we get ourselves in a load of trouble," whispered Dougie. No, it's Danny! God, this is confusing.

"You really want to be that?"

"Twenty quid?"

"Fine, then." He can be so stupid sometimes. Unless he's right. No, it's Danny, in _Dougie's_ body. That combination is just really bad.

(Fletch's POV)

Man, that was a weird concert. The boys switched Danny and Dougie's parts around. That seems like a lot more than they're capable of, or fond of doing, really. But, if it were something important, they'd tell me. I think. Maybe. They didn't tell me about the half-pipe…

I went on about how proud I was that they were able to pull that off, though. Young boys need encouragement! Some might say they're too old to be thought of as young, but they're young at heart.

(Danny's POV)

Damn, how am I going to get back in my own body? I mean, it's a change of scene to look at everything from a lower angle, but I'd like to have my body back. I know it better.

Maybe I should check the fortune that that lady gave us!

Well, that was no help. It only said that we would walk a little while in someone else's body. So I'm going to complain to Tom.

"Did you try checking the other side?" he said after I explained the problem.

"That's only numbers." Ha! I'm the smart one! Point for me!

"So you did look?"

"No…"

He rolled his eyed and took if from me. He turned it over, and he read out "'To switch it back, you must do what your greatest desire was at that time.' What did you want to do? Eat something?"

"Come to think of it, I wanted a Galaxy bar." Ha! I totally rock at remembering stuff! Another point!

"What? I want that too!" squealed Harry, running in.

"Time for a chocolate run, I guess," said Tom.

Had the chocolate, but I'm still short and can't see very well out of my tiny eyes. "It didn't work!" I complained.

"Dougie has to do what he most wants as well," said Tom.

"DOUGIE!"

"What?" asked Dougie. Still in my body. Damn him.

"You need to do what you most wanted to do at the time when we switched."

"Well, I wanted to kiss you," he said. WHAT??

(Dougie's POV)

WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!! QUICK THINKING, POYNTER, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MESS!

"Um, well, the girl I'm dating won't sleep with me until she sees me make out with a guy, so I was really hoping that I could just get it over with, like, with a friend, you know?"

"Weird girl," said Harry.

"She's really fit. Like, awe-inspiring," I assured. Brain is working today! Even though I'm in Danny's body!

"I guess you can call her then," said Danny. Finally, it's good that he does anything for anybody!

So I called up my lesbian mate Ella (who does not like it when you repeat her name several times in Rihanna fashion), and explained the situation. Being awesome like that, she put on her best clothes and came over. She is pretty fit, for a girl.

"Ready, mate?" asked Danny. He's so amazing! He'd do anything for anybody. Especially a friend.

"Yeah," I replied, even though my mouth was really dry. Ella stood off in the corner. She's good at lying.

His lips were everything I dreamed – and more! Sure, it would never come to anything, but this was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.

(Zac Efron's POV)

So I was hanging out outside Danny Jones's room because he's SOO dreamy, when suddenly he began to kiss this other boy. I recognized him, but I didn't care who it was. No one can have my beloved Danny.

"NOOOO!" I screamed, interrupting their kiss after half a second. It didn't work. They still kissed. And after, they stared at each other for a moment before sitting down. How did they not notice me?

"WHY DIDN'T IT WORK!!" the other one shouted. I finally remembered who it was. His name was Dougie and he was in that unimportant band that my beloved Danny was in.

"I dunno. What haven't we done yet?"

"Well, at least now you…I mean…I can kiss my girlfriend."

"Wha…oh…right. That. Yeah."

Then the girl, who I hadn't noticed in the corner, spoke. "There's someone else in this room, and he's eyeing Danny's ass."

Then they all turned to me. I blushed a little.

"What can I say?" I said after a moment. "Danny's ass is cute."

"Who are you?" asked Dougie. Why did he sound so protective? Was he trying to steal my Danny?

"He's Zac Efron," said the girl. "He came out of the closet already, but I'm a little disturbed."

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" exclaimed Danny. There was something wrong with him, but I couldn't tell what.

"What's not?"

"Even in your body…" Danny pouted. I sat on his lap and started feeling him up…I mean…comforting him.

"OI!" Dougie exclaimed. "Get your mitts off."

"Why?" I snapped, smirking. "You jealous. Do you want to rub your hands all over him too?"

Then the chick got angry and threw me out. But not before I noticed that a certain Dougie had a little bulge. Haha!

(Danny-in-Dougie's-body-still's POV)

What? I'm confused. I've got a boner. I mean, Dougie's got a boner. I mean…oh, whatever. Why? That makes no sense. Whatever. I'll let Dougie deal with it.

"What did we do wrong?" I asked. Ella thought for a moment.

"You need to go to sleep tonight. Tomorrow you should wake up ok."

"What time is it?" I asked, wanting to make it better, but not wanting to be some sort of lame-o who goes to bed at some crazy-early hour, even if I have a reason to.

"Six. You have a few hours still. Get to know each other, just in case we missed something. See you later."

She left. I wonder why she didn't kiss Dougie's body and/or Dougie-in-my-body goodbye. Strangeness.

Dougie (in my body) sighed. "Why does that always happen to me?"

"Why does what always happen to you?"

"I always get molested by strange celebrity men, even in YOUR body. I don't understand."

"No idea."

We spent the next 4 hours hanging out and practicing a new song (as well as we could; playing guitar with Dougie's little hands was weird for me) and at one point, I had to leave to solve Dougie's little problem. I have to admit, he was right. It did feel nice.

Finally, 10:00 came 'round and I could go to bed without feeling like a loser. So I did. NIGHT!!

(Dougie's POV)

I woke up in my room, feeling oddly short. Wait…wait…I glanced down and…

I'M ME AGAIN! YAY! IT WORKED! Now to go tell Danny.

"DANNY DANNY DANNY DANNY!!" I exclaimed, running into his room. "WE SWITCHED BACK!!"

Danny groaned and threw his pillow at me. "I was asleep, dumbass."

"I know. But now you're not!!"

Danny glared. I wanted to kiss him again, but I thought that might be awkward. So I sat on him instead.

AND HE BLUSHED!! SEE!! HE DOES LOVE ME!! I WIN!!

(Danny's POV)

Wait…am I blushing? Why am I blushing? I don't like Dougie. I like girls. Girls, with boobs. And not Dougie, because I don't like Dougie.

…right?


	10. You know that's French Right?

(Bird's POV)

Hmm… the small one is accompanying the big-haired one. Wait, we know what the short one wants! He wants the big-haired one! Now we send telepathic messages to the lizards. Good, it worked.

(Dougie's POV)

Okay, he so wants me right now. I've seen him look at girls like that a million times. Don't be nervous! All I need to do is kiss him again…

(Lizard's POV)

WHOA, yaoi is hot!

(Danny's POV)

Oh, shit, what the hell did I just do?? I just had sex with my hot best friend! No, not hot! I like girls with boobs, and legs, and arses. Hairy tummies, etnies shoes, Hurley sweatshirts…

Shit! I can't be gay!

"Um, Dougie…"

"Yeah?" He looked really happy next to me. I mean, up the arse isn't horrible for a guy. I shouldn't think about these things! I'm not gay.

"That was kind of a fluke, yeah?"

"What do you mean?"

"We all know you haven't had a girl in a while, and I didn't get anyone while I was in your body. We were both just horny."

He didn't say anything for a minute. "Yeah, I get it. I'm the whore, right?"

"Still mates?"

"Right."

(Dougie's POV)

So, I just got, like, the best came-back-to-my-own-body-present ever, yet the love of my life is obviously not gay. Hmm… I need a new boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. No, I'm completely gay. I'm finished with girls. Since all those fans, whores, and downright desperate ones, guys are much more appealing.

I really should come out to the guys. I bet Harry knows tons of gay dudes. Most people think it's him in band. But I'm only going to come out as bi. I'd need to ease them into this. (Okay, so I think Tom might be homophobic, but I'll deal with that later.)

(Harry's POV)

Damn, a band meeting. This is literally cutting into my me time. It'd better be important.

"I think I'm bi," confessed Dougie.

"For real?" asked a disbelieving Tom.

"Shit, was that my fault?" questioned Danny worriedly.

"Did you two, like, do it?" I know if it's yes, the image would haunt me forever, but I had to know.

"We were both hyped up on not having nailed anyone in a while," answered Dougie quickly.

I was suddenly struck with a stroke of genius. "Dougie, there's this girl I like at the CD store, but she said she'd only go out with me if I can get a date for her gay friend for a double type thing." I'm brilliant. I feel like a Force of Nature. If I had a point system, I'd be as least twenty points ahead of everyone else.

"Whoa, I should've come out a while ago!" said Dougie excitedly.

(Tom's POV)

After Harry and Dougie left, I kind of just sat there. People always said there had to be a gay one in a band full of guys, but, you know, I thought we were the odd exception. Like Sugababes! Wait, they're girls, aren't they? Oh! I just inadvertently burned a girl band!

"Have you gone bi as well, then?" I queried of Danny.

"Not at all," he retorted.

"That horrible, huh?"

"No, it was good and everything. Just… different."

"Bad different or good different?" I'm just curious! Not actually into that!

"Yeah… this discussion just turned weird."

"You're the one who did it."

"Touché."

"You know that's French, right?"

"Is it?"

(Danny's POV)

Life's good! Turns out sleeping with my best friend wasn't the worst thing ever. We ended up fine, and I turned him bi.

Maybe guys are only supposed to be proud of turning someone when it's a lesbian to straight. Huh, like I care right now.

Great news! Tom and I wrote a song about gay rights! And it will totally fly with Super Records, because we run it! Ha, burn! And while we was writing, I figured out why Dougie went bi. It's just easier, innit it? If you don't feel like waiting around for a girl, you can just pick up an easy guy. Is that offensive? I shouldn't care. It's not like anyone can see my thoughts at all.

Be all the new gay cracks that are just waiting to be made as it may, Dougie brought home his date, and Harry brought home his. Double date, double nailing. But that guy looks like a sleaze-bag. If he doesn't call Dougie back, he's gonna get the arse kicking of a life time. Actually, I hope he doesn't call him again, because then Doug won't be subjected to the sleazy berk.

Wait, I shouldn't care. Dougie can do was he wants. He's a big boy. Yet his date looks strangely familiar. But I don't need to find out now, because I'll figure it our when Dougie introduces me.

(Dougie's POV)

So Ross, my AMAZINGLY AMAZINGFUL date, is here now, and Danny is making sad faces. It's rather entertaining. And he's not all that amazing, but he's really good in bed…er…in car…er…on car, I suppose. Yeah…that…

So, anyway, I was all like, "YAY" and then Danny walked in and snapped, "Who the fuck is this?"

"My date."

"Who?"

"Ross Jarman. He's a drummer. I always had a thing for drummers." Or I would if they all looked like Danny, but no one needs to know that.

Danny made another sad face. "Oh…do you?" He glared at Ross and Ross glared back.

"I guess."

Ross laughed. "You're just kissing up."

I made a fake sad face. "Maaaaaaaaaybe."

"Why?" Tom asked.

"I said he was cute when he was kissing up." Which he did, sort of. He said it was cute that I kissed up his neck as well as down, which is sort of the same thing.

(Danny's POV)

Stupid Ross. I know who he is now. He's the guy from that band. Stupid guy. I could play the drums and say Dougie's cute if I wanted to. I just know Dougie prefers guitarists. You know, with his obsession with Tom DeLonge.

Not that I'd want to make Dougie like me of course. I'm totally straight. It's just…I think Ross is in it to piss off his brothers. Yeah. That.

Dougie and Ross ran off to his room, and they were keeping me up, which saddened me, so I ran off to Tom's flat.

Harry and his new girlfriend Selena were there, and I spent a long time bitching to Selena about how confused I was, and she told me that maybe I wasn't as straight as I thought, but that is stupid.

(Ross's POV)

I had to leave early the next morning because I had to record something, but just as I was getting breakfast, I found Danny in the kitchen. I couldn't help but think that Danny didn't like me, so I thought I should talk to him.

"Danny, I'm sorry if I've upset you or whatever…"

"Look, mate, I don't give a fuck. But if you hurt Dougie, you're dead."

I think SOMEONE has a crush. Oh well…too late…


	11. Gay Clubs, Drugs, and a Turkey Baster

(Harry's POV)

My new girlfriend Selena if totally amazing. I owe Dougie one for agreeing to go out with Ross.

I will review how awesome she is. First, her name is one of the awesomest things ever. Second, her hair is streaked blue. Yeah, everyone's jealous. Third, she's dating ME. Therefore, we are both amazing.

Dougie is doing well with Ross as well. But they clearly won't last. Not like me and my beautiful Selena. But it's good for Dougie, because he's back to his old self. The sleeping around self.

So I'm literally always right. I was on Tom's couch with Selena when Dougie ran in. "I'm single again!"

She sat up immediately. "Is Ross okay?" What a good friend! That's her fourth awesome point.

"Yeah, he was trying to get a date with the bassist from the Arctic Monkeys," said Dougie, brushing off the friendly worries.

"Isn't he straight?" I wondered.

"Don't be so sure of that."

I shook my head to try and clear myself of this image, which was one of the many horrible ones burned in my brain ever since male celebrities started trying to molest Dougie. "Yeah, so is there a point to bothering us with this?"

"I was wondering if someone would come to this gay club with me tonight."

"I bet Tom would do it," suggested my fabulous girlfriend. Ha! She's good at burning people. Another point.

(Dougie's POV)

Yes! Tom has agreed to go with me tonight. I know none of these guys will even come close to the most amazing man on the planet (Danny), but I can still have fun looking. I wonder if Tom knows what he's getting into… If not, this is going to be the best night ever!

(Tom's POV)

What the fuck have I gotten myself into? Seriously. I'm asexual. What am I doing in a gay club? I'm asexual. I don't date, all of my love is fuel for fictional things I can write about. So how the fuck did I end up agreeing to this?

Dougie, thankfully, was still sitting here beside me, not running off with some shirtless guy. Not that I'd be able to distinguish one shirtless guy from another. They are all clones. Each of them looks EXACTLY the same.

Suddenly, some dude who was actually wearing a shirt appeared. And he started chatting Doug up and they ran off, so I waited for two songs and then texted him, telling him I was going because Fletch needed me, and then I ran off.

On my way out, I ran into this guy who was looking really into this other guy. I felt like I had to talk to him, so I sat down.

"Hi! I'm Justin!" he exclaimed, sounding American.

"Tom. Why don't you talk to 'im?"

He giggled, emitting gay vibes. Because I am asexual, I notice these sorts of things. "Oh, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'm not gay. I'm 100 straight. Not at all in the closet, either. Not one bit." That's just rubbish. I have never in my life heard something more ridiculous.

"So why are you in a gay club?"

"I wanna get with a gay guy. But not because I am gay."

""Riiiight. I'm going to go now." And then I ran away.

(Danny's POV)

Tom got home, but Dougie wasn't with him. Why wasn't Dougie with him? That's so odd. Did I just say odd? What's wrong with me?

"Tom," Harry called from the couch where he and his girlfriend STILL were, "Where's Pugsley?"

Tom thought for a moment. "He ran off with some guy so I left."

"What?" I snapped. "You let him run off with some guy in a gay club!"

"What's the problem?"

I thought for a moment. What's the problem with that? There is a problem with that. I know there is! I just know it. Umm…think…think…

"What if he takes E and the guy takes E and he can't get home and he gets hurt? Or, worse, he takes E and the guy takes E and they can't get home AND the media find out and he gets hurt?"

"Shit. Good point. Danny, go get him!" Tom ordered.

"Why do I have to?"

"I'm tired."

"Harry?"

"Nope. Can't leave the couch. Going for a world record."

"Fine!" I pouted, storming off. TO THE GAY CLUB!!

(Random Guy w/ Shirt)

OOH! IS THAT E! LET'S TAKE SOME!!

Wait…oh!! I love this song. I'll take some after this song. First I wanna dance with this guy. Whatever his name is.

(Danny's POV)

No, why is Dougie dancing with that man-whore? That's bad! So I yelled, "Look, free tequila!" That sent him running. Ha! I'm brilliant! Fuck, Dougie looks mad enough to shit himself. We'd better get going.

(Tom's POV)

Asexuality is really helpful when I needed to learn how to cook. Shit, I need to steal Harry's oven. This one isn't big enough for my wonderful turkey! I ran outside, but then I heard, "Oi! You with the turkey baster!" Oh, is that me? Yes, I ran outside with a turkey baster. Crap.

"Yes, officer?"

"Why the fuck do you have a turkey baster?"

I was very obviously making a turkey. But I guess he needed me to explain. "I was-"

"Stop, I know what your were doing. You we doing DRUGS with that turkey baster!"

"No… I was running to my friend's house to ask if I could use his oven, and I absent-mindedly left the turkey baster in my hand."

"That is more sensible," said another policeman.

"Why do they give us briefings on it if it never happens?" complained the first.

I left them arguing and set Harry's oven to the appropriate temperature before getting my AMAZINGLY AWESOME turkey.

(Dougie's POV)

The sound of arguing policemen roused me from my looking at pictures at funny cats, and then I saw a hot guy sitting on the street! Dougie, XXX, Poynter, make a move!

"Are you lost?" I asked.

"I was here visiting me gran, but she thought I was the cable man and kicked me out before dinner," he said. Hot! I want him.

"You can have dinner with us." I looked down. Shy thing always works. WHOA, that is a big dick. It could poke out someone's eye. I seriously hope he's gay.

"Thanks. By the way, I'm Rob."

"Nice to meet you. Dougie."

(Harry's POV)

Stupid Tom is now in my oven. I never use it, but… I can't think of a reason to not want him there. No! It's MINE! Like Selena is MY most amazing girlfriend in the world. Great, and Dougie's got a dinner guest. And Danny will be here because he fails at cooking. My house will be full of unwanted attention.

(Rob's POV)

Yay! Nice people! Good thing this guy's hot, or I wouldn't have really considered. Wait a second, I'm being snogged. Oh, it's by my new Dougie! Yes! I finally picked up a gay guy!

(Danny's POV)

So I'm walking to Harry's house because my brilliant Bolton nose has detected the smell of food, and I see Dougie snogging some guy. No! He'd tell me if he had a boyfriend! This guy's too skinny for my Dougie. He's been flinging a lot lately. It'll be over soon.

(Dougie's POV)

So, after a few weeks, the making out was getting boring, so I asked Rob if he was bored, and he was like "Frankly, yeah." And so we stopped and decided to be friends. But it was ok because I totally did him before that happened. And, let me tell you, I knew he would be big when I saw him, but he was BIG.

After that I went over to Tom's because…I dunno. I just did. It seemed like a smart thing to do. I rarely do smart things, but I thought today would be an exception.

When I got there, Danny was throwing things in Tom's front yard. And he was wearing no shirt. Damn, I forgot how sexy he was. And he was especially fit since he'd been working out extra.

"Y'all right, mate?" I asked.

"What?" Danny asked, confused.

"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" I repeated, slowly, so his feeble mind could comprehend it.

"Oh, yeah I just realized." That's all he said. He didn't finish the thought. It was just, "I just realized."

"What?" I prompted, since he wasn't going to tell me. I mean, he is a bit dumb. But sexy, so it's ok. God, I sound horny.

"What?"

"I wanted…oh, nevermind." I went into Tom's house, giving up on the stupid sex god that he is.

(Danny's POV)

So I just realized that I'm gay. How weird is that? I mean, whoa! I'm gay? Check that out. It's weird to say, I gotta be honest. "I'm gay." Feels weird, that does.

So, I was in my flat, feeling weird and realizing I was gay, when these birds (the animal kind) started flying into Dougie's window, which was closed, randomly. It weirded me out, so I went to Tom's yard to throw things. I figured that I had to figure out who I wanted to do if I was going to be gay. And the easiest way to do this was throw things until the answer magically came to me. Don't ask how that works. It just does.

So I was throwing things and listing people. That guy Dougie was doing? No. That guy who wanted to cheat on Dougie with the guy from the Arctic Monkeys? No. Harry? NOO! I was so close. There was something all these people had in common, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I mean, they had all kissed Dougie. Dougie? Wait…I WANNA DO DOUGIE! I GOT IT!

But I've already done that. So maybe I want to screw him a lot and spend all my other time with him and go out to cinema and dinner with him. What's that called? Dating? I wanna date Dougie? I WANNA DATE DOUGIE! I GOT IT!

So Dougie walked over, and I was about to tell him and then I didn't, and then he went away. Weird stuff. I'll tell him later.

(Birds' POV)

We finally got the big-haired one to like the tiny one with the lizards. While trying to get into the room where the little one does strange things naked, but there was a weird forcefield in the way. Weird. And the big-haired one was there, and then he wasn't. Oh well.


	12. Too late, his pants are already off

A Note from the One Who Posts:  
Hey. Sorry this took so long. SOMEONE (cough cough, my cowriter, cough cough) decided to take forever writing her note. So you can all throw rotten turnips at her.  
Now that that's been clarified, I want to tell you that this is, in fact, the last chapter. I know it makes you all cry, but it COULDN'T go on any longer. HOWEVER, we are writing another one. It's not a sequal (AT ALL), but it's equally as funny, if not funnier. Or the idea is. The story hasn't been written.  
ANYWAY! I wanted to thank all you peoples for reading this story, and especially the peoples who reviewed it. You are my favorite people on the internet!  
Peace out, and enjoy the part!

* * *

A Note From the One Who Doesn't (but still loves you):

I hope you've enjoyed this lovely story about the superior pairing of Pones. Sorry it took so long, but this chapter will sum everything up. And just to say, you may not take any of the characters in this story, because we own all of them except for McFly. But someday, we'll own the rights to this story because it's obviously all true. I hope you cool cats who also love McFly with continue listening to good music and not be offending by the fact that all of this is offensive!

* * *

(Tom's POV)

So I was talking to Dougie and his new friend Rob, and Danny came in.

"Dougie Poynter, you are now the fabulous boyfriend of ME," he said with many arm flourishes. Great, now they'll do it all the time.

"Yes! I totally turned you gay," said Dougie, punching the air. They started making out and sank to the floor.

"Not, in my house, you gay loonies!" I yelled. Yeah, like that slowed them down.

"Um… there's a kid there!" yelled Rob. Smart person. If I weren't asexual (possibly straight, because I had a one night stand with a bartender last night… oops), I'd go for that.

"Maybe we'll just go. You guys are no longer allowed to write songs!" I called out, but I don't think they cared because Dougie was taking off Danny's pants.

(Bird's POV)

Ha! Our most evil and amazing plan has worked. Maybe they'll feed us more often, and we'll no longer have to scavenge, and can retire and shall feast like kings!

(Dougie's POV)

Ha, my goal in the world has been accomplished! He's less of a conquest, more of a life-partner. We've obviously been made for each other. He's the blink to my 182. Aren't I just adorable?

It's just totally awesome, you know? I'm finally with someone who's great at sex, but stupid enough so I can use some psychology on him. We will be the perfect couple.

(Harry's POV)

"Ew, they're doing it?" I said, completely disgusted. "I'm literally gagging right now."

"I guess it's only bad for you two because you're not gay," reasoned Rob.

"No homophobes in this band! I just know both of them way too well," said Tom.

"Damn, now they're gonna be all couple-y," I groaned.

Selena walked in. "I guess you don't like being in a couple, then? I could always shag the man who stares at me in the Tesco's."

"What?? No! You're my girlfriend!"

"Haha, prove it." She ran away, so obviously I had to capture and tackle her to the groundand shag her brains out. Oh yeah, she liked it.

(Rob's POV)

I'm getting kicked out of a lot of houses today because people are having sex.

(Lizard's POV)

Our psychic connection with our master tells us that he is happy right now. Burn on those crazy fans who want him for themselves!

(Danny's POV)

I'm so proud of myself. I mean, dude, I'm in a relationship. I didn't think I could do that. AND my boyfriend is sexier than me. Last year, if you had told me all about this, I wouldn't have believed you because NO ONE is sexier than me. No one except Dougie. But he's really sexy, so it's ok. Anyway, being gay is cool. It makes it easier to deal with the fans that throw themselves at me, and when my crazy Irish Catholic great-aunt bothers me about "settling down with a nice girl and forgetting about this crazy fairy nonsense," I can just remind her that I am happy being gay and don't give two shits about what she says because I can't be assed to say anything nicer, and it's ok because it's true.

(Tom's POV)

So I met up with that bartender chick, and it turns out that she WAS also asexual, but I turned her straight, which was cool because I was starting to have second thoughts about my apparent lack of sexuality. Obviously, this led to us getting together again and having a crazy night. And then I decided I was straight, which is cool. Awesome.

(Harry's POV)

Selena still loves me. I kick ass. Yay for me. Oh, also, she turned out to have mad-good hair-styling skills, so she's been doing my hair, which is awesome. YAY! I think I'm going to go green. What do you think?

…

TOO LATE! DYE IS ALREADY IN MY HAIR!!

(Dougie's POV)

So I was hanging out with my AMAZING boyfriend and suddenly I realized that the birds (animals) that hang about outside my window basically live there. So we decided to name them and leave them food every day.

"That one should be…Lee, 'cus it's your middle name and it's sexy," Danny said, pointing to one of the birds. I laughed and kissed him.

"And that one should be…umm…David, 'cus it's your middle name and I'm unoriginal." His face fell. "Oh, and it's sexy." He kissed me and we got some bread and other stuff to feed the birds.

(Birds POV)

We have food. Mission: accomplished.


End file.
